I would just like to point out that this post and the last were written while 35 000 feet high in the sky (not like that, like - literally). I'm on a freakin' plane to San Francisco dude!
I also have my copy of Wired beside my Mac laptop, a diet coke on the tray table (well I am diabetic), my runners on (not trainers, but those ugly running shoes for, yes, when I RUN). I've also stopped smoking (patches permitting ofcourse), I buy organic milk, I drink low carb beer (otherwise known as piss), I get excited about air-wicking running tops, I blog while on aeroplanes - do I need to go on with this list? - When the FUCK are one of you alleged friends going to stage an intervention! This is SERIOUS. Someone please help me, dear god I'm slipping away into the black hole of cliche faster than this plane is flying right now. I NEED HELP PEOPLE.
Well I don't quite roll like this car owner, but some guy in East LA rolls in this green machine.
I assume he has every non-speed-bumped street in LA memorised. Or he just sticks to one of the six lanes to choose from on each freeway. One just isn't enough is it? I also assume he rides with a bkini clad hoochie-mama on either side of him. How else could you justify a car like this? I mean, it couldn't be owned by a housewife with two kids now could it??
Yes, so, The Lab has gone on tour. First up LA for some rockn' roll, art lovin' good times. It began as I cruised into LA in true style. Yes, the Greyhound bus. That bus started hopping and bouncing into town just as you'd expect! See car bouncing reference video below. It was totally like that. (skip to 2.20 mins to see bouncy car action. The chicks in the video are most likely the green truck drivers biatches)
I caught up with a very old friend of mine which was brilliant. Hopped in the Dawn-truck and cruised around LA. She had a performance on later in the day (see part two, when I write it...), at this house party/art opening. More on that in a separate blog post.
(dawnicus maximus!)
The architecture of Southern California is amazing and I've started taking photos of all the houses I've either mooched around in, or just walked past. Highland Park LA is where I stayed, and the house was this totally amazing snow cabin meets Boogie Nights kind of pad.
(where's dirk?)
Note that wood paneling!
But the most AWESOME part of the trip was going to Canter's deli. Oh my fucking rock n roll GOD! I SAT IN THE SAME BOOTH THAT GUNS N ROSES sat in for their first photo shoot. I was fucking jumping out of my seat in excitement! YES ! I really displayed a full show of enthusiasm like a normal person! I can really do it! We sat down for a massive breakfast (you want caw-fee wid dat?) and I looked up to see the photographic evidence on the wall above. I was sitting where Duf sat. He's just so pretty! Totally hilarious seeing hetro men try to act all cock-rock while looking like Debbie Gibson.
(just noticed the guns n roses photo and realising i was sitting in their seat! extreme nostril flare = I'm excited!)
(Dawn in Axl's seat, and Deanna does a mean Slash)
Turns out the owner (Mark Canter) of the deli is Slash's best mate. Naturally he's riding off the back of his friend and flogging books, tshirts and caps to advertise the fact. What a mate. And yes, you bet your cotton rockn n roll socks I got the book! Aint no way I'm missing out on owning photographs of Guns N Roses playing at Mark's son's bar mitzvah! Fucking gold! Imagine what that would have been like! Slash doing a guitar solo/stroking his cock out the front of the synagogue, Axl on the keyboards about to bitch slap his wife, Duf out the back shooting up…and who was the other dude? Can't remember. That would have been one awesome bar mitzvah for sure.
The crazy religious people are back at my bus stop. Taking MY buses, and depleting my reserves of patience, which are historically always at drought levels. I'm on like level three million patience restriction already. I can't waste any more of this rare resource, especially not on these people that talk AT me.
Very funnily enough I was right in the middle of listening to Future of the Left's Lapsed Catholics are the Worst. When who rocks up and taps me on shoulder, overjoyed at seeing me again? Yes, crazy religious lady numero uno. I wonder what would happen if I listened to Sonic Youth's Catholic Block?
I'm too scared to play it now, for fear I will have Mormons banging on my door before the chorus.
Yes so anyway, needless to say I was more than pissed off that she didn't understand the universally known sign that a person with headphones on, and who doesn't take them off even when you start talking to them means FUCK OFF. Double FUCK OFF even. That failed and she still seemed over the moon to see me. I'm not known for fits of insincere enthusiasm so I don't understand why she would be excited to see me. The dialogue went as such:
Her: (don't know what she said. wasn't listening)
Her: It's Claire right?
Me: Yes
Her: Named after Saint Claire right?
Me: No
Her: BLAH BLAH BLAH x 40 minutes.
And just so it doesn't look like I'm a total bitch, let me just clarify that she was talking at me the whole bus ride, exclaiming how the Lord is amazing and that my life is a waste if I don't believe this. I think her life is a total waste if she believes this is the way to hold meaningful relationships - by patronising the fuck out of everyone that comes her way. Okay so that didn't really make me look less of a bitch but you get my drift - we're not just dealing with a loney lady here who wants a bit of conversation. We're dealing with a high level patronising religious zealot that has no FUCKING right to take up all the dialogue on such a subject.
ANYWAY - I digress…..I've been out and about in the Canyons, finding lots of amusing and slightly disturbing things that I felt worthy of wasting your time with.
First up, on the approach to the canyon entrance there is this:
I'm not sure which is more stupid, the fact that the road is built toward a canyon crevice, or that people need to be told despite the immediate view of a cliff edge, that they shouldn't drive any further.
But the most frustrating thing I see when I go to the canyon is the sign which sadly tells me I can't bust out with my fantasies of mass killings.
Note the 'no firearms' sign amongst the no littering warning. Bummer. I was really hoping to kill everyone in my way. That would make my blog much more interesting.
And still on the signage, there is a notice about 'living with Kayotes'. They really exist! Or I am really living in Looney Tunes. If I see a Road Runner it will confirm it for me (they actually exist too!).
Still no luck spotting a rattlesnake, but signs of rabbit holes are everywhere which would indicate they have to be around here somewhere. Maybe I'll start overturning random logs and see if I can feel around with my hands for one. Again, that would be totally awesome for the blog.
So as you can see, it's excitement all round in Cali. I will actually post something intelligent at some point. Hang in there, dear reader (I assume there's only one?). I'll scrape together a brain cell or two and see what I can find.
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